


I need a fix, Ana, fix, and I'm sick of this

by OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth



Category: Badflower (Band), Bones UK (Band), I Don't Know How But They Found Me (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Theatre, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Disorder, But it gets better!, F/F, First Kiss, Getting Together, Happy Ending, Hospitals, Hurt/Comfort, I promise!, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, M/M, Mutual Pining, References to Hamlet, Slow Burn, Trans Female Character, but it's not a big thing - Freeform, i guess?, i just- alex? you know? I love him, it's all just pining, listen this gets kinda heavy im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-13
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:07:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26987950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth/pseuds/OhTheTerrifyingRarityOfTruth
Summary: Alex signs Josh up for the school play, and Josh agrees because it's Alex. It all goes downhill from there.
Relationships: Carmen Vandenberg/Rosie Bones, Josh Katz & Alex Espiritu & Joey Morrow & Anthony Sonetti, Josh Katz/Alex Espiritu, pre Ryan Seaman/Dallon Weekes
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. Now I can't say no, I'm losing control

**Author's Note:**

> trigger warnings for addiction, anxiety disorder and hospitals, if you didn't read the tags. It all gets better, though, I promise!  
> fic title from x ANA x by Badflower and chapter titles from New Invention by iDKHow and Beautiful Is Boring by Bones UK

“Alex! Get back here with that! I’m not joining your stupid drama club!” Josh tore through the hallway in pursuit of the aforementioned Alex, who held a piece of paper above his head and was grinning like a madman. The paper seemed like a sign-up sheet of some sort, printed out with an empty table for names and contact details. Two of the names at the top were neatly filled in, and four more followed them, messier and more haphazard the further you looked down the sheet. The two neatest names read Ryan Seaman and Dallon Weekes in dark block print, Josh’s best friend and said friend’s bandmate, while the rest were in Alex’s rushed script, too chaotic to make out from a distance, though there was certainly an M on one line and what was possibly a J at the beginning of another. 

The ringing of the bell startled Josh out of his single-minded determination, and he watched as Alex darted through one of the doorways lining the corridor. Josh skidded to a halt outside the same door, which he now belatedly realised was his third period English class that he shared with Alex, Anthony and Joey. Of course Alex had remembered exactly where to go.

Sheepishly, Josh entered the room after him with a muttered apology to the teacher and slid into his seat between the open window and Joey. Alex leaned forward and looked at Josh from his seat at the other end of the row, waving the same piece of paper from earlier. Josh glared at him as Alex mouthed the words  _ you’ll have fun, I promise _ . He could see Joey looking questioningly at the two of them out of the corner of his eye but ignored him in favour of sticking his middle finger up at Alex. Alex just grinned back and turned to grab his books, effectively ending their silent conversation.

When the next bell rang signalling the end of first period, Alex darted away again with his bag already packed, presumably off to hand in the form to their theatre teacher before Josh could catch him a second time to try and convince him otherwise. Josh wasn’t a theatre person usually; he preferred classes with less ‘making it up as you go along’ and more structure like music and tech class. He was good at tech. He had built and programmed the lights for Alex’s drama club’s last two shows and Ryan and Dallon’s band’s last school performance, preferring to work behind the scenes and have as few social interactions as possible to reduce the opportunities for his anxiety to kick in. But now, apparently, Alex had several spaces in his next show that no one else would sign up for and he thought that exposure therapy would be the best way to help Josh. Josh didn’t think so, but the form had almost certainly gone in by now and there was very little he could do about it short of talking to their supervisor, and that wasn’t going to happen any time soon.

Next to him, mostly ignorant of his internal crisis, Joey was packing up his bag and talking to Anthony about the exam. When they noticed Josh standing and watching the door that Alex had disappeared through, Joey threw his bag over his back and put an arm around Josh’s shoulders. Anthony looked at him sympathetically.

“Boy troubles again? You know he won’t notice if you don’t tell him.”

Josh shrugged Joey away. “I don’t have boy troubles, Alex is just a dick. He’s signed us all up for his stupid play and I don’t want to go up on stage in front of people and his stupid face is so distracting and pretty and I can’t get mad at him and I hate it.”

“I think that counts as boy troubles, dude.” The three of them started towards the door as Josh pulled a bottle of paroxetine and a bottle of water from his bag, tipping a pill into his hand and taking it with a swig of water. Joey watched, worriedly.

“Should you really be taking that now? You forgot to have breakfast again, didn’t you?”

Josh waved him away and answered, “It’s fine. All that stuff about not taking pills on an empty stomach is bs anyway. I’ve done it a million times before and I’m still okay.”

Joey hummed his acknowledgement non-committally, still a little concerned but not wanting to argue. Josh was the one who took the meds, and it wasn’t Joey’s job to regulate him, no matter how worried he was. 

The three of them walked towards the cafeteria, grabbing food (though Anthony got Josh’s, as he was too anxious to get it himself) and walking to their regular table, where Rosie and Carmen were already sat. They were friends of Josh’s, as he had known Carmen since they were both toddlers and his family had moved into the house beside hers. Rosie was Carmen’s girlfriend and had spent about as much of her life with Dallon as Carmen had with Josh. Josh smiled at them, and they grinned back, Rosie perched on Carmen’s lap. Carmen brought her finger to her lips behind Rosie’s head to tell Josh to be quiet before she poked Rosie in the stomach and she giggled, turning around to retaliate. Josh laughed and started to eat his salad.

Not five minutes later, Alex slid into the seat opposite Josh, leaning over and stealing a couple of fries from his plate, smirking when Josh started to protest. 

“First you make me act, then you steal my food? Will the injustice never end?”

“Not while you’re that pretty, darling,” Rosie said as she too grabbed some from Josh’s plate, “Us attractive people, it’s a curse. Everyone wants to be us.”

Carmen nodded in agreement, leaning round to press a kiss to Rosie’s cheek, an attempt to distract her as Carmen stole one of the fries from her hand. Rosie gasped in mock betrayal and held a hand to her chest.

“How could you?! This is betrayal of the highest order! I’m going to divorce you!”

“Not if I divorce you first!” Carmen retorted.

As the two of them argued, the rest of the table were distracted by the arrival of Ryan and Dallon, who pulled chairs up to sit next to Anthony and Alex. Josh had clearly given up defending his food, because he barely protested as Ryan also stole from him.

“What, you’ll let Ryan eat your food but not me? Favouritism much?” Alex exclaimed.

“Ryan gives me hugs when I ask,” Josh pouted, “And he’s not a theatre nerd like you.”

“I give you hugs all the time! And Ryan is doing the play this year, so there!” Alex said triumphantly.

Josh turned to Ryan and said, “Ryan! You would never leave me for the theatre nerds, would you?!”

“Uh, actually, Josh, I did sign up for the play this year. Dallon wanted to join and asked if I would come with him.” Ryan ducked his head as Josh’s eyes went wide with realisation, and he shook his head slightly at Josh, who seemed about to burst with questions for him. He quickly tried to change the focus of the conversation before Dallon could notice.

“Besides, you can’t talk. You’re doing it this year too!”

“Not of my own volition, trust me. Alex is very fast when he wants to be.” Josh scowled and slouched in his seat more.

Alex poked his shoulder and reassured him, “It’ll be fun, I promise! Just do it this once, and if you don’t like it then we don’t have to do it ever again and you can go back to living your hermit life where you never talk to anyone except us.”

“Fine, but I’d better not get a big part.” Josh brightened up a little when he saw Alex’s hopeful face.

Dallon, Alex and Ryan cheered, loud enough that they got some strange looks from people at nearby tables.

Two days later, the cast list was posted on the notice board outside of the drama department. Ryan and Dallon wanted to check it out as soon as it was up, so Josh begrudgingly agreed to go along with them that morning, vowing to not look at the list himself just to spite Alex. But as soon as he got there his curiosity got the best of him and he glanced at the sheet. He only made it past Alex’s name, next to  _ Hamlet _ , of fucking course, before he saw his own name and panicked.

“Holy  _ fuck _ , Alex, you cast me as fucking  _ Horatio _ ?” Josh tore his eyes from the casting sheet pinned on the notice board to glare at Alex, who held his hands up in surrender.

“Man, I didn’t know! I didn’t choose the cast!”

“Bull  _ shit _ you didn’t know!”

“Okay yes, I did recommend you for the role, but that’s nothing to get angry about! I just thought you would be good for it!”

“How do you know what would be good for me? I still can’t believe you signed me up to your stupid play!”

Josh stormed off, dragging a reluctant and confused Ryan with him by the arm. Alex sighed and rubbed his hand over his eyes, trying to block out Joey standing next to him with a shit-eating grin on his face.

“Admit it, you just want to spend as much time with Josh on stage as possible.”

Alex spun around, blush high on his cheeks. “At least I didn’t get him cast as Ophelia!”

“Yeah, but you totally wanted to. Seeing him in Danish Renaissance dresses? Having to make out with him on stage? You were tempted, don’t lie.” Joey wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

“So what if I was? Shut up, Joey!” Alex pushed him into the corridor. Joey just laughed again.

The next few weeks passed in a blur of learning lines, blocking scenes, painting backdrops and visits to the doctor. Josh wasn’t sure his regular dose of paroxetine would be strong enough to help him cope with the show, so he was trying to make arrangements to get a prescription of Xanax for the week, just in case. His doctor was incredibly helpful and managed to get Josh his prescription just a day after he had asked for it. When she handed the note over, she outlined the risks that came with benzodiazepines, but Josh paid very little attention to her. He was sure he had heard it before, when he started on his other meds, and he knew not to get addicted. It wouldn’t be hard. And the rules about not taking them with alcohol, or on an empty stomach, they were just suggestions, right? They didn’t actually change anything. He’d be fine because he wasn’t like the kids who got addicted at school, wasn’t like the kids who came in with a hangover every morning. He was better than a couple of tiny pills.

So he took the prescription from the doctor and thanked her and ignored every word she said.


	2. Am I the most fucking fantastic freak you've ever seen?

One afternoon, the day after Josh had secured his prescription, Alex could be found wandering around the drama block, looking into every room for his friend. He and Anthony had decided their practice time would be best spent blocking one of the scenes Alex was having trouble with, but it was one they needed Josh’s input on and he was nowhere to be found. Just as Alex was about to call it a day and go back to Anthony so they could try to figure it out themselves, he heard two soft voices from a room at the end of the corridor he was in, one of which sounded very much like the person he was trying to find. He pushed open the door gently, intending to sneak up behind Josh and surprise him, but he was cut short at the sight in front of him.

“Josh?”

Josh spun to face the direction his name was called from, suddenly very conscious of his arms held wide and the forest green dress pinned around his waist when he noticed Alex watching him intently. He had volunteered to help Carmen get the dress for Ophelia’s costume fitted when he heard that Rosie was off the day they had intended to do it, but he was now regretting that decision as he saw Alex’s eyes sweep up and down the false curves the dress provided, and an unidentifiable emotion mixed with confusion flit across his face. 

“I- uh... Joey- That is... uh... Anthony and I were going to block out one of our scenes and we were wondering where you and Carmen were? But.. uh... you seem pretty busy at the moment so we’ll just... update you later. When you’ve done the thing. Yeah.” He turned to leave, but Carmen called out quickly.

“We’ll be done soon, if you want to get set up and we’ll come straight out. I won’t keep your boy for much longer, I promise.”

Alex blushed fiercely and sputtered, “I wasn’t- He isn’t-” before giving up and standing uselessly, fire still heating his cheeks. Josh started coughing as well, red painted high on his cheeks to mirror Alex’s, and Carmen rolled her eyes.

When they had recovered enough to look each other in the eyes again, Alex gathered up the courage to say what he had been thinking since he walked in.

“You look... nice in the dress, actually,” He said quickly before he spun around and practically fled the room. Josh watched him leave, confusion written across his face, and Carmen snickered from where she was crouched beside his hip with pins in her mouth and a needle in hand.

“Boys. All the same, gay or straight. All you seem to do is talk a big game and then stand around and pine.”

“Neither of us are pining, Car. I can appreciate that a friend is hot without wanting to date him, and Alex- Ow!” Josh looked down at her and she looked back, grinning wickedly. She pushed the pin she had jabbed into his leg through the fabric instead, then stood and brushed her jeans off.

“Okay, you’re all done for now. Hopefully Rosie feels better so she can come over tomorrow and I can fix up the measurements in the areas you seem to be lacking. Unless she distracts me, if you know what I mean,” Carmen winked conspiratorially.

“Car! I don’t need to know what you and your girlfriend get up to!”

“All I’m saying is that if you would just woman up a little and ask someone out, you’d get lucky. Especially with Alex. That boy is head over heels for you.” Carmen nodded sagely as if she had just imparted some great piece of knowledge to Josh.

“Now let’s get you out of this dress. Can you raise your arms for me?”

A few days later, it was time for the full dress rehearsal and Josh was terrified. Getting in costume just meant it was getting even closer to the time when a whole crowd would be watching him on stage, waiting for him to trip or forget his lines or fall off the stage. Josh shuddered just thinking about it and tried to put his costume on slower. In his head, if he went slowly enough, the show would never arrive and he would never have to go up onto the school stage to perform. The thought of Alex’s face, however, crestfallen when he realised he wouldn’t get to do the show, made Josh grit his teeth and steel himself. If Josh didn’t do the show, Alex might not want to talk to him at all ever again, and everyone else would follow him because Josh was a terrible person, and he would be alone and no one would whisper to him about Ms Kelly’s bald spot in Chemistry class, and no one would help him with English homework, and no one would let him call them at two in the morning because he couldn’t sleep again. That couldn’t happen, so Josh dressed quickly and ran to grab the Xanax from his bag. If the medication could help him get over his anxiety, then he could do this for Alex, and he wouldn’t leave, and Josh would keep all of his friends and nothing bad would happen. He repeated that over and over again in his head, like a mantra, as he cradled the bottle in his hands and rushed to the bathroom to fill his water bottle.

When he first noticed how off Josh was acting, Ryan shrugged it off to just being his anxiety about the show. But when he started hearing Josh mutter to himself and look guilty with his hands in his pocket every time Ryan asked about him, he started to get worried. He went to Alex first, when he caught him just coming out of his physics classroom one day.

“Is Josh okay? He’s been acting off for a few days, and I thought that if anyone knew what was wrong it would be you.”

Alex shrugged. “His anxiety, probably. I think he got new medication last week for some reason, so maybe he’s just reacting differently to it than the last kind?”

“No, he’s been acting  _ really  _ weird. Haven’t you noticed that he’s barely talking to any of us anymore?” 

“I thought we were just busy with the show? Granted, I haven’t exactly been seeking him out since I saw him helping Carmen with Rosie’s dress,” Alex confessed, “But now that you mention it he has been acting a little strangely. Have you tried talking to him about it?”

“He won’t listen to anything I say, and Carmen and Anthony told me he won’t talk to them either. I’m getting kind of worried now.” Ryan twisted his fingers nervously.

“Should we all try and talk to him now? He might open up if there are more of us there to stop him from running away.”

“Okay. I’ve got history with the girls and Joey last period, so I’ll grab them and we can all try to talk to him after rehearsal this afternoon,” Ryan said before the bell rang and he ran off down the corridor towards the art block. Alex hummed thoughtfully before making his way to his own class, thinking back to every change in Josh’s behaviour recently. Now that he thought about it, he hadn’t heard a meaningful word from Josh in four days, and he had been acting skittish every time someone tried to have a conversation longer than three sentences with him. Alex realised he was worried for Josh too and became determined that they would figure out what was wrong this afternoon. 

But that afternoon was too late.


	3. Feels like you're running out of holy places

Josh crouched in the wings, bottle in his hand and fingers quivering. Just a few more, he thought, just to calm his racing heart and his bouncing leg. Just enough to get through tonight, and the next few nights, and then he would never take them again, he promised. He wasn’t addicted, he  _ couldn’t _ be addicted, it was just to make him feel a little better. He could stop any time he wanted to. He poured two pills into his hand, then added three more after a moment’s thought and tipped them into his mouth with a swig of the water bottle Alex had left on the prop table. He closed his eyes for a moment, savouring the knowledge that the pills would kick in soon, before standing and walking backstage to grab the hat to go with his costume, tucking the bottle into his pocket as he went. 

Carmen greeted him, smiling, at the door of one of the dressing rooms backstage hat in her hand. Josh took it from her distractedly and gave her a half-hearted smile in return, too tired to give her much attention. He was so tired, so sick of the show and how busy he was, of how anxious he was getting over the upcoming performances and of how happy everyone else seemed to be about it. In his eyes, there was nothing enjoyable about being on stage in front of people, let alone anything to be excited about. But if Alex and Dallon enjoyed it, then he supposed he could try, for them. It was five more days, and then he never needed to get on a stage again. He tried to calm his racing breaths, inhaling slowly. He could do five days, for his friends.

And then he collapsed halfway through one of his lines half an hour later, in the middle of the stage, eyes closing as he hit the floor loud enough to be heard by Anthony, Joey and Dallon, who were stood backstage. Ryan, who was closest, dropped his prop sword, hurried over to him and began to check his breathing.

“Josh? Are you okay?” Ryan bent over his friend, his body lying draped across the stage where he had collapsed. Josh’s eyes fluttered open after a beat, arm heavy and sluggish as he reached over to Ryan.

“’m fine, Ry,” he slurred, before his eyes widened and he half-heartedly pushed Ryan away. Josh rolled onto his hands and knees and retched, spit dripping out of his mouth and onto the dark wood panelling of the stage. He was definitely not fine, Ryan decided.

“Okay, Josh, I’m going to need to touch you now to help you sit up. Is that okay?”

After waiting for a beat to see Josh nod weakly in the affirmative, Ryan tugged him up and back to the wall gently and, after checking that he was steady, gestured over his shoulder to Dallon, who was hanging back and looking over worriedly. “Dal, can you call an ambulance? Tell them I think it’s an overdose. Maybe.” Dallon nodded and ran to grab his phone from the table backstage while Joey and Anthony ran in the other direction, towards the nurse’s office in the hope that she was still in this late in the afternoon. 

Ryan leaned against the wall next to Josh, constantly checking on his breathing as he waited for the others to return. He looked up as he heard a noise to see Alex, still in his costume, sliding down the wall next to them with his head in his hands. 

“God, this is my fault completely. I should have never signed him up for this, I never should have taken advantage of him, I never should have led him to this-“

“Hey, stop beating yourself up about it. There’s no way you could have predicted how his anxiety would react to the show, or that he would overdose, and if you really want to make up for whatever you feel guilty about, focus on Josh now. You’re no use to him if you’re panicking, and I could use some help keeping him safe and awake until the paramedics get here.”

When Dallon did eventually skid back into the room soon after, he had his phone pressed to his ear and was speaking quickly into it. “Yeah, just down the road ... uhh, we think it might be an overdose? ... Sure, let me check.” He covered the speaker and faced Ryan, “Hey Ry, the nurse wants to know what he OD’d on, do you know?”

Ryan shook his head but tapped Josh on the shoulder, “Josh, buddy, can you tell me what medication you’ve been taking recently?”

Josh pointed sluggishly to his bag, eyes almost shut, and Alex rushed over, unzipping pockets and undoing buttons quickly in his attempts to find Josh’s meds. When he reached the front pocket, he pulled out two bottles, one labelled Seroxat, and the other Xanax. The former was nearly full, heavy in Alex’s hand, but the latter was concerningly empty considering Josh had only gotten it recently. He brought them over to Dallon, who read out the names into the phone. Josh looked up when he heard the names, making a feeble attempt at reaching over to Dallon and Alex. Alex ran up to him, assuming he wanted him, but frowned when Josh ignored him and reached for the bottles still in Alex’s hands. 

“No, Josh, I think these have done enough damage today,” He said as he moved to put them far out of Josh’s reach from his place on the floor. Josh groaned and turned to the side as he retched again. His mouth was filled with the taste of bile and his pounding headache was just getting worse, exacerbated by the bright lights overhead.

Josh remembered very little of the next few minutes, or indeed much of the next few days. He vaguely recognised the sound of an ambulance siren in a swirl of blues and reds and whites, and the sensation of temperature changes from the cool air-conditioned theatre to the warm evening desert air outside before he completely lost consciousness, and everything was dark. 

When he started to come back, he felt warm hands in his, tight grip and guitar-calloused fingers, as he slipped in and out of consciousness, a throbbing ache in his chest, and heard whispers of voices he recognised but couldn’t place drifting through his dreams. He heard the rustling of fabric when he moved, saw flashes of bright light through his eyelids, and felt the softest touches on the back of his hand and his forehead, though afterwards he convinces himself that he dreamed them.


	4. Fall flawless to the floor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> thank you for making it all the way through! with any luck I'll turn this into a series but we'll see :) thank you!

When Josh did eventually wake up fully, it was two days after the planned opening night, four since he had collapsed, and Anthony was sat in the chair under the window, looking pensively out at the gathering clouds. His head was framed by clinical white trim, dents in the wood clearly visible even under several layers of badly applied white paint that had begun to peel. The sky was a warm blue in front of the storm, a large and appreciated contrast to the bleak white-grey of the other three walls around Josh’s bed. He coughed weakly. Anthony spun to face him, eyes wide and a mix of happiness and disbelief spread across his face.

“You’re awake! How are you feeling?”

Josh smiled sleepily as he sat up against the pillows bunched around his head and croaked, unused to using his voice, “Honestly? Like shit. My mouth is dry and it tastes like I’ve been eating cotton wool and nail polish for weeks.”

Anthony smiled sympathetically, “That sucks. There’s some water here, if you want? The nurse left it by your bed so I assume it’s safe for you to drink now.” He handed Josh the water, and he twisted the cap off and drank deeply to wash away the taste stuck in his mouth. When he was done, he handed back the half-empty bottle and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

“Where’s everyone else? Did they just leave you with Josh duty for the day?” He laughed humourlessly, bitterness lacing his voice. He knew it was true, the others didn’t care enough about him to visit.

Anthony startled, “Alex is going to kill me! He’s been sitting here for days waiting for you to wake up and we finally convinced him to get some food because I thought you’d be out for a little while longer!” He fumbled with his pocket, trying to pull his phone out, “Wait, I’ll just call-“

“Josh!” A call from the doorway of the room was the only warning Josh got before his breath was knocked out of him by Alex, who had jumped on him and was digging his knees uncomfortably into Josh’s side. Joey, who had been standing with Alex at the door, walked over to sit with Anthony beside the bed, but Josh could only focus on the grinning boy in his lap. Alex looked like he hadn’t slept in days, tired eyes and unbrushed hair, but he was beautiful. Glowing with happiness, messy hair like a halo in the stormy afternoon light. His eyes were warm tiger’s eye brown, dark and summery, and Josh was lost. He wanted to twist his fingers in Alex’s tangles and pull him down, wanted to wrap his arms around him and curl up with him on the tiny hospital bed, make out with him and forgive him for everything, because he knew Alex would have been beating himself up for days after Josh passed out. He coughed weakly, throat still hurting, and hurriedly averted his eyes when he realised what he was doing. He tugged at Alex’s waist weakly, trying to push him off the bed, and Alex went along with it, falling to the floor beside Anthony and rubbing his head in mock pain.

“Good thing we’re in a hospital, idiot! I could have hit my head and  _ died _ .”

“You’ve fallen out of things much higher up than that. I think you’ll be fine.” Josh retorted.

Joey leaned over and tapped Alex’s head, pretending to listen for an echo. “At this point, I’m not even sure you have a brain to get concussed, Alex. Or bones to be broken.” 

“Hey!”

Anthony laughed, and Josh made a sound that sounded like a wheezy sort of giggle. He fell breathlessly against the pillow, suddenly tired and winded from all the talking, and the other three turned to him worriedly. He made a dismissive motion with his hand and closed his eyes, focusing on taking steady breaths. When he caught his breath, he looked up again and the tension in the room lifted as the others realised he was okay, though Joey still looked concerned.

“We should probably go soon, if you’re feeling all right. You need to sleep and we’re not helping that much. Plus I don’t think Alex is popular among the doctors here,” Joey said, standing up, “We’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Can you bring me some paper when you come to visit next? I have some stuff I want to write down and I have a feeling it’ll get pretty boring in here now that I’m awake.” Josh smiled.

Joey nodded and followed Anthony who had made his way to the door with Alex in tow. They stopped by the door to wave to Josh, making promises of talking to his parents and their friends and visiting the next day, before leaving the room and leaving Josh to his thoughts again. It wasn’t long before he fell back asleep, though, watching the first raindrops fall from under thin hospital blankets.

The next day, Alex turned up with candy, his laptop and a few blank notebooks as soon as the nurse decided Josh could have visitors and sat politely on the chair Anthony had been in yesterday while he listened to the nurse list things he wasn’t allowed to do. As soon as she left, though, he broke at least three of the rules by clambering onto Josh’s bed and lying down beside him. Alex was a tactile person, and Josh knew that, so he moved over a little and tried to ignore his fluttering heart. They lay in silence pressed against each other in the tiny bed, just watching each other’s faces, both trying to avoid the conversation they knew would have to happen soon. Eventually, Alex cracked under Josh’s gaze and started talking into the silence.

“I’m really sorry, you know. I didn’t mean for it to get that far and I didn’t think you’d end up having to do this. I wish I had just listened to you to start off with.”

“I shouldn’t have let it get that far without telling you. I was just trying to do something for you because you’re always the one doing stuff for us,” Josh replied.

“You shouldn’t have had to hurt yourself to try and make me happy. I’m sorry I made you feel like you had to.”

“You didn’t, I promise. I guess I was just scared that you’d abandon me if you all did the play and I didn’t. I thought you’d replace me.” Josh closed his eyes as he tried to stop from tearing up, voice wavering. Alex noticed,  _ of course Alex noticed _ , and brought his hands up to hold one of Josh’s. To comfort him. Not because he loved the feeling of Josh’s fingers intertwined with his,  _ not at all _ . Just regular platonic bro hand-holding. Josh smiled softly.

“We’d never abandon you. Who would write all our songs if you were gone? You and I both know we’d end up just covering Taylor Swift songs if Joey was in charge,” Alex said wryly. Josh laughed, and Alex smiled at him, because Josh’s laugh was beautiful and he was glad to be its cause again.

“Seriously, though, we would never leave you. You’re stuck with us, okay? We helped Joey fill people’s cars with popcorn, and we’ll help you with this. Now and forever.”

“But I’m broken, Alex. Why would you want to be friends with someone who can’t even order a coffee himself and ends up in the hospital when he tries to be helpful?”

“We’re all weird, Josh. Your weirdness is just that you feel so much, and I don’t think that that’s a problem at all. Anyone can get a coffee, but who else writes lyrics like you do?” Alex reassured him, “And if you ever need anything, I’m always happy to help! I love- I mean, I don’t mind, if it makes you more comfortable.” Alex avoided Josh’s gaze as he tried to cool his burning cheeks after his near mistake. 

“Are you sure? I always think I’m being annoying if I keep asking for help.” Josh said timidly.

“Of course. Anything for you. Hey, do you want to put some music on?” Alex asked, but didn’t wait for an answer before he leaned over Josh to grab his phone from Josh’s bedside table. Josh was temporarily overwhelmed by the smell of Alex, warm and comforting, like cinnamon and hot chocolate, before he moved back into his position beside Josh, phone in hand and Spotify open on the screen. 

“What do you want to listen to?” he asked Josh.

Josh hummed thoughtfully before answering, “Can we put on the playlist Ryan made for us last summer? When we were in New York?”

Alex nodded before he pulled up the playlist and hit shuffle, putting his phone between them, and they fell back into a distracted silence. Josh was laser-focused on Alex’s thumb stroking across the back of his hand, warm and comforting, reinforcing the knowledge in Josh’s heart that his friends would never leave. At that moment he wanted nothing more than to tuck his head into Alex’s shoulder and fall asleep there, forget about their friends, about school, about the doctors still monitoring his vitals. Alex noticed that he was getting sleepy, and rather than doing what Joey might have done and standing up, he brought one of his hands to Josh’s head and started stroking his fingers through his hair. Josh hummed softly and curled closer, closing his eyes to the feeling of Alex’s fingers in his hair and the tinny sound coming from Alex’s phone speakers.

When he woke up not half an hour later, Josh looked up blearily from where his head rested on Alex’s chest. The music was still playing and Alex was awake, and he grinned when he saw Josh had woken up too. Josh, in his half-asleep state, was entranced by the movement of his mouth and was stuck staring, hypnotised by how stupidly pretty his best friend was. He was kind, and beautiful, and Josh didn’t understand how someone that brilliant could want to help him as much as Alex had, and still want to be his friend after all of it. He wanted to kiss him, wanted to thank him for everything he had done and wanted to curl up with him for reasons other than that they were both stuck on a too-small hospital bed together. 

But Alex must have been thinking exactly the same thing, because he brought his hands to Josh’s cheeks and leaned down and pressed his mouth to Josh’s. And Josh was stunned speechless. He was aware of everything, every sensation heightened, from Alex’s phone digging into his stomach to the sound of the fan above their heads, from Alex’s fingers on his cheekbones to the taste of his lips. Josh wasn’t so overwhelmed as to not react though, and his hands moved up to the back of Alex’s neck, fingers curling into the soft baby hairs there. Alex moved one hand to Josh’s waist, the other still cupping his jaw, and moved to pull Josh into a better position, legs over Alex’s. Josh moved with him, reaching down briefly to move Alex’s phone out of the way of his knee just as Alex pulled back slightly. Their foreheads rested against each other, noses touching gently and smiles across both of their faces. They sat like that for a while, heavy breaths mingling between them, before they were startled apart by the sound of the opening door. This time it was Josh’s turn to fall off of the bed, or it would have been had Alex not reached out to catch him instinctively as he fell backwards. 

And that was the position Dallon and Ryan, with the rest of their friends close behind, found the two of them in as they walked into the room. Josh was half hanging off the bed, sheets tangled in his legs, holding onto Alex’s arm for dear life and face red from exertion and the thought of what they had almost been caught doing.

“Are you- Josh- Did you-” Ryan stammered, clearly surprised by the scene in front of him. Most of the others were also rendered speechless, except for Carmen, who pushed past Dallon with her arms full of junk food.

“Holy fuck, have you two  _ finally _ gotten your shit together and made out? Thank god, if I had to deal with one more pining look or one more moment of all of this bloody ‘he doesn’t like me like that’ shit I swear to all that is holy I would castrate both of you. Hi Josh, I hope you’re feeling better! I brought you food!” She raised her arms as best she could to show off her haul. Behind her, Anthony, Joey, Dallon and Ryan begrudgingly handed a few notes over to Rosie, who was grinning like she had just won the lottery. And in a way she probably had, Alex reflected, because there was evidently some kind of betting pool going on around him and Josh and she was the lucky winner. Josh didn’t even seem to know what was happening between the others, eyes firmly fixed on the snacks in Carmen’s arms, He made grabby hands towards her as best he could from his upside-down position, before he realised what he was doing and tried to pull himself up by Alex’s arm. It didn’t work very well, his limited strength failing him, and Alex had to pull his eyes away from where he was glaring at Joey wiggling his eyebrows again in order to reach down and pull Josh up properly by his shoulders. Josh thanked him, then turned back to Carmen, who had come over to the bed and was now unloading her food onto the end of the bed. 

“Thank you, Car! I was going to die of hunger without you. The food is terrible here, and they kept trying to give me  _ meat _ .” He flopped on the bed dramatically, wincing when he heard a creak.

“Oh, you poor boy! Did you hear that Rosie, Josh has been forced to eat  _ normal people food! _ ”

Josh punched her arm as best he could and said, “Hey! Being vegan isn’t weird!” He turned round to face Alex, “Tell them, Alex! We’re not weird for only eating vegetables and not killing things, are we?”

Alex laughed, “Of course not, Josh. If anything they’re the weird ones for eating dead animals.”

Carmen stuck her tongue out at Alex and Rosie mumbled “fucking whipped” under her breath. Everyone laughed as Josh and Alex both turned bright red and refused to make eye contact with anyone. Alex shoved his face into Josh’s pink hair as Josh covered his face with his hands, embarrassed of his body’s reaction to every mention of Alex. He smiled. They were going to be okay. He was going to be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is @/thekidwiththerage if you want to come hang out and yell about badflower!


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